Remembering Lives, Breaking the Silence #DayOfHope #ProjectHeal

Life twists and it turns, and sometimes you find yourself in a place you never knew you would be.  I've been doing some reflecting today.  When I began Born 2 Be Mom, as some of you might know, it was actually with the intention of writing for parents of multiples.  I was hoping to collect resources and meet other Moms who were in my position.  Born "2" Be Mom was very intentional... I wasn't trying to be trendy.  I was pregnant with identical twin girls -- miracles -- for 30 long and precious weeks, and then something happened.  A tragedy.  I suffered an undetected placental abruption, and I lost my babies.  

My family nearly lost me.  

Kira Juliet and Lydia Marie were stillborn on May 27th, 2010 and on that day my heart was truly shattered.  I remember two things very vividly.  I remember begging the doctors to put me to sleep so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain (both physical and emotional) any longer, and I remember waking up seeing my husband holding our girls; Realizing that what had happened was real, and feeling the silent tears running down my cheeks.  I couldn't move, I couldn't speak.  I just wanted to wake up again and for it to be a horrible nightmare that wasn't true. 

From that day forward, I received phone calls, messages, cards from wonderful family and friends - but something else happened too - I was met with an unexpected amount of silence.  I remember feeling so extremely alone.  Realistically, I'm sure no one knew what to say.  In my mind it wasn't so much that they didn't care, I knew they did, but I could tell that they were afraid.  Nobody wants to say the wrong thing, after all.  What they didn't realize is that sometimes, even the wrong words said with the best intentions are better than no words at all.  I wanted to speak my girls names.  I wanted to talk about the hopes and dreams I'd had for them.  I wanted to talk about the future I had planned, and about how much I valued the precious moments I was able to have with them before they died.  Every flutter, every kick, every food craving...  All of these things were a part of the relationship I had with my baby girls.  I wanted to share them.

Instead, I was met with silence.  

I didn't want to leave the house - not even to get groceries.  I didn't want to talk to anyone, answer the phone or the door, or take my little girl outside to play.  While my husband did everything he could to keep me going every day, he was suffering so very much too. 

Truthfully, it took years before I could fall asleep at night without thinking about everything that happened on May 27th, 2010.  

Yes... Years.  

What kept me strong was my daughter, D.  She was not quite 2 years old at the time, and she gave me the one thing I needed.  She gave me hope.  My husband and I have expanded our family since then and we now have a son, L.  He will be 2 next month.  We will never, ever forget our twins.  They're a part of this family too and will always be in our hearts.  In memory of them I am sharing my story today, August 19th the Day of Hope. 

Project Heal is a cause very close to my heart.  So many women have stories like mine, and so many of them suffer alone during the loss of their children.  Please, please help break the silence surrounding the death of infants and children.  They are ALL miracles. 

Please visit http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/international-dates/august-19th-day-of-hope to learn more about Carly Marie Project Heal and Day of Hope.